Notes to Self; Part Trois

Don't Bother Trying to trick my Toddler into Eating an Apple; I gave him a candied apple, but it turns out he is smart enough to suck the candy off like a tiny vacuum cleaner, leaving the apple underneath completely untouched. Once again I find myself astounded by my Toddlers accomplishments.

Do Not Share Food or Drink with my Children Anymore, Ever; We are currently enjoying our third(?) bout of illness in less than two months. We have three children all in different schools, (one child lives in another city five days per week. He just visits on weekends, biting his nails and touching everything in sight). Add to that my husband working, (in the film industry), with people from all over the world in tiny studios, breathing the same air 17 hours a day, and we are like an International Germ Farm. There are boxes of Kleenex on almost every surface of our home, a shelf with every form of Echinacea, antiviral drops, vitamin boosters, oil of oregano, etc you can think of, and we are still all dragging ourselves around like zombies. “Am beginning to doubt effectiveness of expensive holistic remedies.”

Note: When Mom is sick, our whole world grinds to a halt. This is a very bad thing...

Do not import Contact Lists from social networking sites on your phone; Accidentally imported ALL contacts from face book onto my phone somehow and spammed my blog to all and sundry several times without even realizing it, thankfully someone was nice enough to email me to request that I “please stop”. Ouch. Did you know an email can make you blush? Yes it can...

Do Not Drink Wine when You are Fighting A Cold; because then you get to wake up not only with a horrible hangover (from my measly glass of wine…OK bottle), a disgusting flu virus, and a miserable screaming toddler,(Am I really this lucky, yes I am)!

Do Not Apply for Jobs You Aren’t Sure You Really Want; You get hired. Crap... now what?!

Do Not Shop in Your Pajamas at Night Anymore; The one time, (OK the third ), that you go to the grocery store at night in your PJ’s you will not only run into everyone you know, but for some reason they will be too polite to say anything about what you are wearing. Decide to go ahead and ‘out’ myself, bringing it up to clear the elephant from the room… “So funny I ran into you…And here I thought I could sneak in and out without anyone seeing I was shopping in my pajamas again! Hahahaha, why aren’t you wearing yours?” We laugh, am laughing the loudest. “Oh, are those your Pajamas,” she says, eyebrows go up, “I hadn’t even noticed…” Really?

Use Less Exclamation Points!; fear I use too many exclamations in my writing and may sound like an overly cheerful Stepford Wife.

Note;

• Overuse of exclamations is like crying wolf, nobody will believe me when I really AM exuberant!
• Exuberance is not attractive, (unless you’re an 15 year old cheerleader)!

Do Not Go Shopping Without Checking Credit Card Balance; I have no income of my own whatsoever. My husband earns all the money, so if he forgets to pay the bill, I have to find out the hard way. Today I went grocery shopping and the total was $195.00. I handed over my Visa and it declined. Not only did it decline, but then I counted up all my cash, $140.00, and tried the Visa again, only to decline for the remaining $35.00 as well. Incredibly embarrassed I ask the cashier if there is a bank machine, (acting like its no big deal, I’ll just go pull some cash out of my bank account, even though I have none). He informs me the ATM is by the front door and I tell him I will be right back. As I walk over and see the bank machine right by the front doors I consider doing a ‘runner’, knowing there is little to no hope this is going to work. I don’t really have any money.

Note: Deadbeat Dad to my first son is court ordered to pay child support every month but never works and manages to only have to pay each time he mortgages his house or something, (once or twice a year).

I put in my bank card and hold my breath, and out comes $200.00. Hallelujah it’s a MIRACLE! I walk back over feeling pleased I had acted so blasé’ about just going to the ‘money machine’ to get it. As I wait to pay the cashier, (now helping the next customer), he gets on the phone to call a manager for assistance. He gets no answer, (I assume), then proceeds to turn on the PA and yell, “Manager to register 5 to process decline please” Seriously? I look over at a woman packing her groceries into bags and she rolls her eyes in sympathy and smiles. There is a large lineup now staring at me with interest, great. I wait for what seems like forever before a pale, skinny, extremely unhappy looking woman(?), stomps over and starts arguing with the cashier.

Note: She looks about 800 years old, according to her frown lines.

“It looks like you took money why did you do that?” She snaps at the cashier.

“No” he says back, (loudly over his shoulder), it was a DECLINE! The Visa Declined.

“Yes” she replies in a scathing tone, “but you have entered it as partial cash and now I can’t fix it on a different register I have to fix YOURS”, she turns to me, ‘did you give him cash?’

“Err, yes”, I say, “but then he gave it back”

“Because the VISA declined twice!” says the cashier again.

I see the woman packing her groceries, (the same one who rolled her eyes earlier), out of the corner of my eye and hear her murmur under her breath to me, ‘Jesus, could they say it again, just one more time with feeling?!’ in sympathy and humor and I wanted to laugh out loud, or maybe just hug her. They finish processing her order and the manager shoves herself into the cubicle like an angry bull, huffing and puffing and muttering under her breath. She sticks her hand out at me in a very rude manner, (palm up), and says “You owe me $140 and $35 then!”

Am staring at her frozen in shock, she can’t even do the math? And is a store manager seriously being this rude to me? I hand over the two hundred and say very slowly and clearly, “there is $200 dollars; you can take the $1-9-5 dollars f-r-o-m t-h-a-t!” I had to restrain myself from following that statement with the word bitch. Then I smiled at her in an overly friendly way. I then hear the lady behind me, (still packing her groceries), snort trying to hold in her laughter.‘Manager’ snatches the wad of cash out of my hand brusquely and proceeds to process the sale while I pretend to be invisible, everyone around me is staring. “Remember for next time” she says to the cashier, (behind her watching), “when you have a decline you can’t take cash and put it in as processed, you need to cancel the whole thing, even if it declines twice!” The cashier is nodding and apologizing. I feel sorry for him, working for that woman, and think maybe am becoming immune to the word ‘decline’ now, (no longer flinching, just want to leave). As she hands me the receipt rudely and without thanking me for my patronage I lean over towards her, (she leans slightly back), and say very loud and clear, “Thank you very much, have yourself a wonderful day!” into her face with a smile, and I leave.

Did that really just happen?

Endnote; Will never shop there again.

No More Afternoon Naps, No Matter How Awful I Feel; Texted older son to come home and watch younger son after school today because I felt so awful. Shortly after 3pm my wonderful 13 year old came home. Of course he’ll babysit, no problem Mom, enjoy your nap, feel better. "God I love him" After giving instructions on warming pasta for 'after school snack' etc I went upstairs with a feeling of intense relief and fell asleep instantly. I woke up several hours(?) later from a very deep sleep filled with unsettling dreams I couldn’t remember. The house is eerily silent. I go downstairs and find it is now 7:00pm! How on earth? Walk into the living room to find my little angels asleep at opposite ends of the couch like mirror images. Of course I sneak my camera out quietly and snap a few pictures. This is a first, am pretty sure 3 year old has never fallen asleep anywhere that wasn’t his own bed. Every night I get to go through the usual horrible bed and bath time fight ritual of insane screaming, crying and general chaos because he;

• Doesn't want to get undressed
• Doesn't want a bath
• Doesn't want to get out of the bath...
• Doesn't want a story
• Wants a story...
• Wants another story...!
• Doesn't want to brush his teeth
• Doesn't want to stop brushing his teeth, (just kidding, that never happens)...
• Refuses to go in his own bed, he wants to sleep in Mommy's bed

You get the picture...

My poor Neighbors...!

So here he is, difficult Toddler, asleep like an angel on the couch with his brother. Aww... have always been a little jealous of other Moms whose kids pass out in their car seats, living room floors, and in their meals. Why can't my Toddler be like that? Some people have all the luck...

My flash wakes up my oldest son, who sits up looking very disoriented. I ask him if they ate, he says ‘yeah’ in a fuzzy way… I check the sink, no dishes, “err, Jamie," I ask, "are you sure you guys ate honey? Cause there are no dishes in the sink…” After some time I manage to wake him up enough to find out that, no, they didn’t eat anything, and he has no idea when they fell asleep. He tells me he vaguely remembers dozing off and waking up worried, only to see his little brother asleep at the other end of the couch, so he relaxed and went back to sleep. (Scary)!

“Great, am horrible parent, kids are starving until they pass out on the couch alone and neglected, this is all time low parental moment…”