Splashdown Shakedown: A Waterslide Nightmare

Today I drove my kids and I , (with one of their friends), to Splashdown Waterslide Park in Tswwassen.

A friend of mine had called last night and let me know she would be coming over from Vancouver Island with several other Mom friends of ours and all of their kids so would I like to join them? I couldn't pack my car and kids up fast enough. Not only was the idea of hanging around a fabulous group of like minded Moms for the day in the Summer sunshine a dream come true, but having had no car all Summer we have literally done NOTHING fun whatsoever so my kids and I deserved a day at the water-slides.

I think I was looking forward to the journey just as much as the destination considering how much I plot and scheme every day to spend as much time driving behind the wheel of my new Mazda 3 as possible. This couldn't have come at a better time.

Normally I dread driving to places I have never driven before and seem to have developed a horror of highway driving in general over the last few years. Since the last child in fact, I don't know why or where it came from. Maybe some sort of 'Mommy' hormonal anxiety that never left? Anyway, one day I woke up with this stupid anxiety about highway driving and haven't been able to shake it, until my new car that is! It takes my mind off the monotony of the drive itself, makes driving such a pleasure I guess that I forget to 'feel' that way. Its so inexplicably nice to enjoy driving again.

So I printed up the driving directions, step by step, so my thirteen year old son Jamie could be 'navigator' and call them out to me BEFORE the turnoff has already gone by. Something I am sure he will get better at with practice, bless him. Our drive, (the directions were surprisingly complicated!) started out really well. Turn here, turn there, simple. Easy directions to follow... then we had several 'near misses', almost passing our turnoffs , and one wrong direction that thankfully quickly showed itself to be NOT anywhere close to looking 'right' so I was able to turn around and go back without too much stress or confusion.

Then came the big one, the Highway circles came into being, yes, these complicated ridiculous things that if you look them up on a map look like some twirly child drawing little loops ON TOP of and underneath of each-other. Ridiculous! Who builds highways like this? So you are flying along doing 80k (or so ;) and suddenly there is a sign or three saying which loop is for what and by the time my brain can compute which direction is mine (because god forbid ANY of those signs actually say 'ferry' or 'Tswwassen!' Arrgh ), my car has flown past the loop that was mine or I have inadvertently allowed it to be 'pushed' by the A-hole behind me doing 110k into the WRONG direction! Suffice it to say that my two year old son now knows a few new swear words and my thirteen year old sons' friend probably thinks I am a pretty 'cool' Mom with such a potty mouth on me. sigh.

So after deciding Seattle was definitely not our intended destination I pulled off on the nearest exit I could, which turned out to be quite a ways down the highway as there were about a twenty Large Transport trucks all around us in the lanes (my first indication that this was probably not the road to Tswwassen)! The exit we took of course had several directive choices and loops of its own with completely unhelpful signs posted on them so by this point thinking it really didn't matter because there was nothing for miles in any direction I just randomly picked one. Luckily I must have picked right as soon enough down this deserted seeming road what should appear? but a Mosque! Yep. A genuine enormous, (very architecturally beautiful), Temple?

Thinking this was as good a place as any to ask for directions I pulled into the open white wrought iron gates. There were several vehicles scattered around the parking lot but I couldn't actually see anyone around. As I considered what to do I realized part of the architecture was made up of another language written in large letters all around the outside of the building. I pictured myself thrown out by an angry mob of well dressed temple attendees who didn't understand my English if I dared to wander in with my dirty sandals on, legs and arms bare, and cleavage showing from my probably culturally scandalous tankini bathing suit. Never mind my uncovered head. 'Hmnnn. What to do?'

I had just turned the car around to leave when one, two, then several more vehicles in a row all came in the gate. One of the vehicles very clearly showed a couple in what seemed to be non cultural dress so I figured they wouldn't be too scandalized by my presence on the property asking directions ? Definitely not! I have never met a nice more helpful couple. They gave me fabulous clear directions to follow and even dug out a pen and paper for me to write it down with. After many profuse thanks to them and several good lucks to us we were back on the road. Finally!

I felt slightly relieved but not completely confident in myself or my ability to not get us lost again. I would also like to mention that at this point the sky was a really awful slate grey color and it was supposed to be sunny in Tswwassen, and my old highway anxiety had crept up and over me, add to that being 'lost ' and I felt slightly ill. An anxiety attack. Fabulous . I made a conscious effort at this point to be extra cheerful and chatty to distract myself from feeling so awful and reassure the the kids we weren't 'really lost '. Thankfully the driving directions turned out to be easy and perfect and we weren't very far off course at all. We arrived at the waterslides almost an hour late, but hey, better late than never right? I was SO ready to de-stress and not have to worry about any more wrong turns by this point.

We got out of the car with many stretches and groans and much relief. The weather had not improved and had, in fact, become much worse. A blast of frigid air hit us as we pulled our bags out of the trunk and got organized. I remember thinking to myself; there is no way Grayson will want to swim or slide in this, and I do not want to get wet I am already cold. I hope the older boys still can have fun...

We made our way across the parking lot that was mostly empty. OK, apparently other people knew better than me to believe the weather report online that promised sunny skies in Tswwaasen today. Ironically they are known for their many sunny days. "Sunny Tswwassen my @ss," I thought to myself nearly tripping over a soda bottle on the ground. Looking around the parking lot I noticed quite a lot of litter blowing around in the breezy wind. 'Hmnnn... odd it would be so dirty with so few people here, bad weather, and on a Tuesday too', I was thinking...I went to the register and advised the attendant of our ages and almost sh@t myself when he said, "85.10 please" . What?! Did I just buy tickets to the moon or to the waterslides?!

I was too floored to say anything. I handed it over, thanking god and the world itself I didn't have to be embarrassed and unable to pay because I still had a wad of cash from my weekly household 'allowance'. I had intended to use some of my household cash for Jamies' back to school clothing the day before. But, as luck would have it, the day before his new cell phone decided to quit working and we had to spend the afternoon at the Bell Kiosk getting a new one in exchange. So we didn't end up shopping the day before after all. Thank god for small and unforeseen favors! I thought, eying his shabby summer shorts and too tight t-shirt. I'll definitely have to take that boy shopping next week...

So in we went, Splashdown Park! The kids were excited and practically ran in chattering to each other about which slides are faster etc. I felt shell shocked and shaky from the awful drive and now I could add to that a much lighter wallet and feeling like the cashier had just hit me over the head. Wow. What planet Is this? I quickly spotted our large group of friends in the mostly empty park. Four fellow Moms with each their own respective size young brood. Several of the Moms also brought along 'extras' like myself. Borrowing other peoples children to provide companions for their own kids. We made for an impressive size group! After a quick greeting and hugs to welcome us, as they had gotten there before most of their kids were already gone. No where in sight, off sliding and enjoying themselves (we hoped) in the frigid (Fall?) air.

The breeze was really blowing and I had gooseflesh all up and down my arms and legs. I couldn't believe how many people were in the water. I only hoped I could be so brave. Turns out, for your kids you will do anything, even if it is painful and no fun for you. You just do it anyway. I took Grayson off to the little kids area with me after seeing Jamie and his friend Natan off for the big exciting slides. Of course the breeze didn't bother them at all. Boys are always walking around in t-shirts in winter roasting hot. I wish I could be like that! Grayson was more like me today I am afraid. Absolutely shivering before we even touched the water, we stuck our toes in. Freezing! I made him go down a baby slide with me. After much convincing and begging I finally just picked him up and after a brief painful contemplation of the cold cold water I was about to seat myself in I gritted my teeth and sat down, and put him in my lap. "You wont even get wet, its going to be fun," I told him. "Here we go.. wheee"

Unfortunately I had not accounted for the fact that despite this being a very small slide, intended for babies and toddlers;

• we had chosen the fastest of the four slides
• our combined weight was much more than a small child by itself, and

• Mommy had her slick board shorts on.

Oops! We slid down exceptionally fast. Grayson joined me, after my initial forced, "whee" , in a genuine whoop of joy. As we sailed down this slide I was thinking, "this is really fun!"

Regrettably, the little pool at the bottom was deeper than I had thought, and I had not anticipated my numb feet and cold muscles being so unprepared to deal with this fact, then add to that Grayson's projectile weight was amplified! He flew out of my arms in a face dive into the pool. I watched him go underneath the surface and into the freezing cold water. Of course I reacted almost immediately to the shot of adrenaline and dragged him up. Note: He can go underwater and knows to hold his breath, but he wasn't expecting this and had sucked in a bit of water. Also, I suspect the cold water stole whatever air he did have from the shock.

He choked and gagged somewhat as I gave him a few back pounds to help him get it all out. I made sure he was OK while I dragged our sorry cold shaking selves from the water. He was OK, of course. Just violently shivering and his lips were a little blue on his poor little white face from the cold.

I felt SO HORRIBLE! So we went back to our table area and cuddled in towels and that was, sadly, the end of our waterslide experiences for this visit. He would not go near the baby slides again and I cant really say I blamed him! After drying off and changing clothes we found other things to entertain us. A one dollar 'punch' balloon from a machine I nearly died blowing up provided quite a bit of amusement. Then there was eating things. A five dollar creamsicle. You think I am kidding? I am not! The creamsicle came after lunch of course. A fifteen dollar chicken burger that tasted like nothing and had a rubbery texture, served with a nauseating lukewarm hot chocolate and a basket of sopping dripping soggy greasy 'fries? that even a two year old turned his nose up at. Shortly after we finished our 'lunch' and Grayson had delved into his super-sized creamsicle, 'literally' dripping from head to toe and in his glory, Jamie and Natan arrive dripping and breathless, warm as toast of course in the pre fall weather claiming starvation. I pulled out my wallet and handed over Thirty Dollars , I kid you not, for two kids to each get a burger, crappy fries and a drink. Here we are, in the middle of nowhere, we have paid dearly to come in, and I was too stupid to pack a lunch. What else can I do?

Of course Jamie and Natan enjoyed their burgers.. but even they, I noticed walking by their abandoned meals, didn't love their revolting french fries (grease soup), their baskets were each almost full still, wasps crawling all over them. sigh . I cleaned it up, noticing all the garbage cans were full, litter was strewn about. The food AND drinks were almost inedible, excruciatingly priced and the facilities revolting.

Grayson is potty training and let me just say, after our third trip to the washroom that was out of toilet paper in most stalls, smelled like, (well, you don't want to know )! Pieces of toilet paper and paper towel and god knows what else was strewn about the washroom on the floor. The soap was all empty, half of the doors didn't shut properly and NONE Of the toilets we used flushed properly or had any proper pressure so the remnants of the previous 'depositee' would still be clinging to the sides of the bowl. Beyond repulsive. I wanted to boil us both in disinfectant, and maybe vomit up my rubbery chicken burger, now a solid brick somewhere between my throat and stomach.

Tanya, a fellow Mom there at the park summed it up pretty well when we were all sitting around our picnic table later. She had just come back from doing the 'River Run' on the tube with her oldest daughter and I had asked her if she had fun.

"Well," she mused, 'I was having fun yes, until I reached the top of the slide there and this horrific stench wafted over me in the breeze. It was so bad, I actually almost gagged. It smelled like an open septic tank or something. Like a dirty filthy full diaper pail left in the sun for awhile, you know?"

We all cringed and nodded, yep, we all know that smell.

"I looked over through the plexiglass wall at the top of the slide," she continued (the direction the stench was emanating from), "and what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a shabby run down trailer park, littered with all sorts of debris, trashy piles of old wood and garbage, and with a very obviously malfunctioning septic field tank. This place has really gone downhill", she finished, wrinkling her nose in disgust and staring at a chip bag rolling by in the breeze. We all hysterically laughed at this point. I honestly thought I might die.. tears were streaming down our faces and I could not even catch my breath. Oh that is priceless, that kind of laughter!

I have to make a really huge point here, I desperately needed to spend some time with some fellow Moms and I cant believe how much fun we had, how much we laughed, and what an enormous joy it was to spend the day with those wonderful ladies and their families. Yes this place is a dump. Yes we all felt robbed and disgusted, but I wouldnt trade it for anything, because the company was priceless!

In the end the sun came out about two hours after we got there, I took off my layers of clothes with relief and 'thawed out ' with my white untanned legs up on a chair in the beautiful and fabulous sunshine chatting with some old friends and relishing every second. The kids had a fabulous time, every single one, even Grayson, playing with some new friends, cleaning up garbage (because my friend Taryn taught him how to poke the empty soda bottles into the reycling garbage can) and he thought this was just the neatest thing to do, hunting recycling to poke in the hole. I had to stop him when I realized he was stealing other peoples half full beverages (that they paid their weight in gold for!) and putting them in the trash! I did not see Jamie or Natan for almost three hours and actually started to worry until I spotted them in the hot tub with one of the teenage girls another Mom friend brought. They ended up exchanging Facebook and cell phone numbers before we left later. Oh to be thirteen again! How awesome is that?!

Just before we said our goodbyes my friend Tanya stopped me and said, "Just wait a minute or two! don't leave because your getting some money coming to you!" it turns out she had complained in person to the 'employee' on site about our rate and the state of the place;

• low quality food
• unsanitary conditions and
• exorbitant prices

I have always wanted to be that person that could do things like that! To me that takes a lot of guts. I am just so not into conflict or confrontation that its easier to just send an email. We had all chatted earlier and decided to do just that after discussing amongst ourselves that between us five Moms and our kids we had spent over $1200.00 that day at the water park .

Does that even compute?

And let me add to this; they ALL (except for me and my three kids) came over the the Ferry (with no cars) and shared taxis from the ferry terminal (as they walked on to save money). So you can add a ferry and taxi cost both ways to their tally. Ouch! Its ridiculous. For that amount of money we should at the very least have edible food at decent prices and clean facilities!

So, despite my urge to run as I watched Tanya shake her finger in this employees face and insist that his handing her a managers card to call another day was not good enough! I followed her advice and stuck around a few minutes to see what she could accomplish. Turns out its a good thing I did, as he came out with her to ask us all for our receipts. Of course I didn't keep my food and beverage receipts (oops ) for over sixty dollars, but I did have our entrance receipt. This won me a whopping $24.95 in a 'courtesy' refund on the spot. Gee thanks. I mean. Wow. Really.

OK, its better than nothing I admit, and I did thank Tanya profusely for going to bat for us. But I am still going to write and email and call this place and formally complain. Of course I no longer have any proof that I was even there as the gentleman who gave each of us Moms the same refund each kept our admission receipts. Hmnnn.

As I relax at home and write this, the most prominent memory of the day, is the nonstop hysterical laughter we all had together.. and that feeling trumps any other, so I am grateful for the wonderful day, and I know my tired kids, already in bed, had a fabulous time. All in all, I would say we are pretty lucky. Now I get to pack for our family vacation in Penticton in two days. I already have several packing 'lists' laying around because making lists allows me to prolong the enjoyment of the whole trip and the 'planning' adds on extra time to marinate in the coming fun. I love making lists! We are staying at the Ramada in Penticton, (a place Mark and I have stayed before) that boasts a beautiful resort style courtyard with a perfect pool, surrounded by tropical greenery and a poolside bar! The kids are going to love the Steamer train and the pool & beach. We know what to expect there. And that is a fabulous suite, wonderful staff, and not an open septic tank, pile of garbage or trailer park in sight. Funnily enough, our suite there per night at the Ramada will be about seventy dollars less than the DAY I just paid for at Splashdown park..... Hmmnn